For Those Who 'Pretend-To-Be or 'Not-To-Be' !

Bhaktaram was exhausted from the whole day walk & ride of his daily schedules and this Friday was bit different. As soon as he entered the doorstep, he told his mom that he would eat his dinner himself after the light came and laid himself lying on the bed in the pitch-black dark room. This habit of sitting quiet or lying in the dark in his own isolation was quite old since one of his good friends advised. In those school days his friend advised him that if an individual can think and analyze for 30 minutes over his whole day activities and draw a conclusion whether it was a good day or a bad one, then the chances are very high for that person to achieve quicker success in life. Since then, he made this 'good habit' of contemplating over almost every bits and pieces of events of the day, imaginary thoughts and draw some philosophical conclusion. Lucky him ! the power cut this evening was available for bit longer hours than yesterday to think, memorize, analyze and summarize the moral of the story of that day. However, on the other hand, it confused him sometimes whether this habit was leading him towards the success or frustration; God knows or himself... But, he knew that he din't have to pay anything to memorize the daily activities.

It was almost 6 am and was getting late for his morning shift college. He did not want to miss his first period  since it was his favorite subject 'Finance' taught by his favorite teacher Mr. Regmi. His day job starting from 10:00 am would hardly allow him to take 3 periods in the college since he had to manage the time to sign in before 9:45 am in a private boarding school. On a bicycle he bought after 6 months saving, he was riding through the misty road in the dusky-dawn to college that was in distance of 3.5 km from home. He was paddling as quickly as possible so that he could enter the class room before the lecture would satire him as a 'Tourist'.

The morning time these days in winter around the village had added two extra reasons to be more enjoyable and walkable for the well-prospered-cum-'Bhunde' people and the youngsters. The first was; newly constructed large cemented bridge near the high way river and the black top pitched-road in the village which allowed people to walk on the pitch road without stumbling on stones and eventually do some push-ups and stretching those funky-bums-and-thighs. The second reason of this morning-jogging-trend was for the youngsters that gave them one more attraction of dating for couples, moving to the corners of bush around the bridge, temple and the primary school nearby. Some people in their late forties had even more exciting reason of waking up early with the juvenile-vibes in the heart and walking down the road to get rid of their wrinkled-wives and talk freely with their mobile-made girl friends on a mobile phone gifted by their son  in western countries and the middle east. One of them was, 'Bohora Uncle' that Bhaktaram used to see almost every morning in his way to college. The plugged-in-man in his slow pace, talking as softly as possible, greening with abrupt giggling and blushing the upper chicks at times, had better life then he ever had before in his peasant life. He educated his eldest son up to 12th standard and sent to Korea at his early twenties by selling a piece of land. Now, his eldest son, after 8 years, has made enough money to educate his brothers and even sent one to America and younger one to Australia. This morning, the power cut had its morning shift turn until 10:00 am and the road was even darker and mistier than yesterdays.

''What the hell ! Bloody blind ! Oh my legs !... Listen, I will call back in a while, somebody banged his bicycle on my body!'' The uncle suddenly shouted loudly.

Bhaktaram, unknowingly felt a smile in his lips in his dark room by remembering the painful and scary expression of the same old man he hit with his bicycle. Though he was riding very carefully, it really was hard to ride without using the pre-caution of some sort which made him give a "trriing-trriing trriing-trriing" at all times from his handled-bell ring. Unfortunately, the old man this morning had plugged his both ears and was unable to hear or listen other than the voice coming from other end of his smart phone.

Oh Uncle ! I am sorry, I am really sorry... I din't see you coming and I din't see the road... But, why din't you hear the bell ring ? Surprisingly, Uncle was more tensed for the disrupted conversation with his girlfriend rather than the slow-paced bicycle accident which din't injure him physically rather it was just an instant fear of his aging psychology.

''It's okay Bhakte. I was on a 'muubile-talk' and I had my ears shut." Old man showed his consideration.

'Who were you talking with Uncle?' Bhakte tried to sound friendly with the lover boy!

"None...no one! I I was just talking to the tractor owner if he could come to plough my field" Man of forties completely twisted and continued, "But, why don't you listen to my advise and move away from this country son ! You are educated, smart and your 'Eenglees' is also so good. Why don't you talk with my son and tell him to help you. He is even your best friend and you know, he always asks about you !

Bohora uncle for quite a while, was trying to convince Bhaktaram to give a try for USA visa and was even lobbying to Bhaktaram's father to persuade him. But, Bhaktaram had his own reason of not trying to obtain any visa and move away.

'I know uncle. Baalkrishna was also telling me the same thing yesterday when he called me. But, he knows well about me that I am not willing to go to any country. 'I would rather prefer to live in my own country and look after my parents. You know that Dad has got asthma and Mom keeps suffering her knees-pain at times. Why would I need to go to America now ? I am happy here and one day you will see that I will become a well known person."

After listening Bhaktaram, uncle would easily feel the reality and ask him just an one-liner question, "Are you really happy in this country Bhakte ?" In the dark room, Bhaktaram suddenly felt his eyes jumping down towards his folded-knees in the bed by remembering the question of his best friend's father this morning.

Mr. Regmi asked him a mockery question as soon as he entered the class room five minutes late, "Bhaktaram, do you think the internal tourists will increase in 2011 which is going to be celebrated by Nepal as a Tourism year?" He knew that Mr. Regmi's was not expecting any answer of actual assumptions with relative reasons regarding Tourism year but it was just a satire of his late entry.

'No Sir'. He thought he should answer him in the same way this morning, "If the hosts will not change the behavior towards the Tourists, their reasons of visit and stop showing useless concern, then the tourist will never increase in any year." Bhaktaram din't care whether the whole class got the meaning of that short, yet meaningful, conversation or not but he thought he needed to answer accordingly that gave him a compliment from his friend, Anuradha, who smiled and whispered back, 'Good one yar'. In return, he just gave a smile and opened his bag.

'Where are the guys ?' Bhaktaram Whispered Anuradha after opening his bag.

'They are in Canteen. Subodh also got visa for Australia yesterday and throwing the Party in the canteen of Baaje. He told me to wait until you come. Let's go now'. Anuradha hinted her willingness to join the party instantly.

'I am fine. You can go if you wish.' Bhaktaram tried to pretend.

'You won't understand anything about today's class. It's Micro finance and guys are already in the party. So, let's go.' She almost told him the decision.

He knew that there is no more way to keep pretending. Moreover, he had already missed his daily diet of smoke and tea before he entered the classroom caused by the accident.

'You know, I am also going to get visa decision by the evening today. Why don't you think about it positively. I had got the offline message of Baalkrishna from US yesterday that he was trying his best to find the scholarship for you. Why don't you send those scanned documents to him ?' Anuradha was almost pissed off by convincing him to try abroad study. But, Bhaktaram had always same reason to tell that 'he had his own reason.'

'I am not going to make my father sell the land he accumulated by his toil and enjoy my personal happiness. I know that I also can go to abroad and prosper myself, but I am not unknown that my parents need me.' He replied.

'Come on Bhakta. Don't try to overshadow your personal reason in the name of your parents' need. Your Dad is not a serious asthma patient. He can still work in garden and allotment on his own and Mom has knees-pain once in a blue moon.' Anuradha showed her frustration and continued "Moreover, there is your cousin at your home who can take care them very well in your absence too. The fact is that, you are still angry with Baalkrishna for the reason that he blamed your definition of patriotism is classic !! The other  reason is that he applied for visa without telling you. But, it's fine. He din't want to tell you because you would not let him do that if he told you. So, why don't you just try an understand positively and send him the documents for your scholarship ? ' They reached canteen before the conversation reached conclusion.

"Hey...there you go !!! My dear 'Bee' is here', Subodh greeted him with friendly love.

'Congratulation Subodh. I am really happy for you yar. ' Bhakta responded in a same way.

'Thanks Bhakta. Let's ignite the fags. 'Baaje, Surya Churot dinu chaar wota. Ani daami Chiya.'

'Khurukka tyo beer ko can bag maa raakh paila ani chiya dinchhu' Baaje demanded peace on the boys' early morning jamming mood! 

In the dark room tonight, Bhakta really was thinking and sinking in the whole circumstances of his thought. He was not able to decide whether he should try Abroad or not. He was not able to believe that it will be a right decision if he will go to USA by selling a piece of land. But, he also knew that it would make no difference for his parents and specially his Dad who had accumulated enough fixed assets. A piece of land for his only Son's interest would mean nothing to his Dad. But, Mom will surely be a saddest creature in the world since he was a beloved and pampered kiddo of hers. The mercury-light of his watch was flashing  green and showing the time almost 10:00 pm. He picked up the mobile phone, pressed the unlock button. Then he opened the grid view menu and pressed the inbox of his message. He kept scrolling down the messages until he got the last one sent by Baalkrishna before he flew to America that read,

"Dear Kale, jaadai chhu... Tara Man khusi chhaina... Khusi hos pani kasari, jaba ki ma pailo patak katai jaadai chhu Ta binaa-ekdum Eklai..... Aba cycle liyera ghumdai hidne, dui-choti farkera herne keti le aafai lai mann paraako daabi garne, filter churot napaayera Deuraali Churot mai kaam chalaauune ani Vok laako tod maa paani sanga Paauroti khaane din haru yaad mai simit hunchha bujis.....Mero flight ko time huna laagyo yar...I will continue this message via email as soon as I land in US hai...Take Care.....

Bhakta sank into nostalgia and felt immense pleasure to remember all those bygone days they enjoyed together.... He remembered the incidence when he had broken the hand of one 'Tharu Boy' for the reason of beating his best friend. They were roaming around the corners of villages to have secured place to smoke and a gang of Tharu guys had interrupted their plan.

In the dark room, he remembered how Subodh's treat of visa made him late to reach the school. He got rid from the boys in very strict condition that he would join the party at sharp 3 pm this afternoon and drink the whole glass of beer at one sip!

He remembered the Principal of the school giving him a twisted-word this afternoon in the classroom, ' "Bhaktaram Ji, k ko bhakti maa hunuhunchha aajkal?"

'Shiva Bhakti maa sir'. He answered with ample sense of humor.

'Any problem sir ?' Principal showed the formality.

'Advise me honestly sir. Do you think, it will be right decision to go to abroad and leave the country ?' He was genuinely seeking advise because he wanted to hear the view from his principal who was politically leftist.

'Bhakta Sir, going abroad is not leaving your country. It means different if you look at it differently. Instead, not coming back to the country can be an example of not showing the love to your country which still doesn't mean that you are not patriotic to your country. It doesn't matter if you go, come back and bring the change by bringing change in yourself.' Principal got nice subject to give lecture today!

'Thank you sir. ' He was satisfied with the answer.

Then the rest of the day, he had enjoyed Subodh's party...drank enough beer and missed Baalkrishna, his best friend whom he also called 'Baal' with love.

It was only few minutes left to be 10:00 pm... He suddenly wanted to re-read the email of his best friend again, which Baal sent him as soon as he reached USA. He connected internet on his mobile phone and open the email box now.

'Dear Kaale, Ma USA aaipuge....Room maa Nepali keta haru pani raichha tanna.... Tara ma chai aafnai room maa eklai basi raachhu... just connected the internet and fired a first smoke without you..... This stick  of fag is definitely feeling lonely too.....Anyway, let me continue what I wanted to tell you before...

"Taile vaneko hoina yo jindagi yaadai-yaad ko poko ho jun haami aaja varchhau ani budeshkaal maa kunai rukh-muni basera hukka or chilim taandai tehi poko kholdai ramai rahanchau !!! Feri kina, euta Naya yaad ani naya anubhav sangaalna pachhi hatne ? K jaruri chha ghar-pariwar ko reason dina ? Ghar ko manchhe haru ta sabai le aafno chhora-chhori le naya anubhav, gyaan ra seep sikera kehi naya garna sakun vanne chahaanchhan ni... Patriotism ko naam maa Bidesh jaana hunna vanne bahaana thhik ho ta ? Saala, sab Neta haru Desh ko paisa barbaad garera 'Bidesh' nai ta ghumchhan ! For different reasons of trainings, seminars....blaah blaah blaah... Feri ta haami bidesh jaana laageko Masti garna maatra ta hoina ni Kale ! We just go to abroad to see the system , learn new things, come back to our own country and try to implement things in a better way so that we could be the reason of some change around our own circumstances..... You can't, at least, trust the present political situation and the corrupted leaders to bring change at your home Man ! Come'n be positive. I know you are sad with me...but you know the reason. Now, don't just get stuck in confusion...I need you now....You need me now.... and our Country will need both of us one day when we have something to contribute to our Nation... What the F*** will you offer your country when you are naked!!!....Patriotism doesn't mean to contribute the frustration and it absolutely doesn't mean to becoming a victim of corrupted politics..... More precisely, Take it this way : If you come now, then someone will go back to the country from here...and When it will be our time to go back to the country, then may be some one else will be coming to the abroad... But, keep in mind that everybody loves his/her country and everyone has to go back regardless of anything...Simple truth is that we can never be like someone who is not a Nepali... So, we can never stop being Nepali regardless of whatever status you obtain here... Because our identity is Nepali my dear Kale...

Take Care and I hope you will think about it. Please convey my Love and Regards to Canteen ko Baaje, Mandir ko Jogi-Buda and his wife, Bhatti ko Saailee Vauju and our Finance Lecture... He really was true when he said that the 'Financial Freedom of an Individual' is very important.

The light came exactly at 10:00 pm... At least, there is Timing system of Electricity in the country which is systematic !

Bhaktaram switched on the computer and checked if all the scanned documents were still saved in the personal folder in E-drive of his computer. He saw them all saved.

His Mom brought a glass of milk for him and was still insisting to eat something before he slept...He couldn't speak anything...He just nodded his head and kept on watching at his mom imagining, 'Who might be there to 'insist' his best friend 'Baalkrishna' to eat something before he slept!!!

The radio in the father's room was playing a lovely song....'Chhadera kaam saara, ek kaam rojji rahechhu...Yo desh maa Ma euta..aa.a.aa...Maanis khoji rahechhu''.....lallalalallaallaaa...

The needle sticks of the watch are smiling as the Nepali Time on the Watch is now 10:10 pm... and Bhakte suddenly felt an emotional urgency within himself to hug his mom tight. Who knows he might miss his mom s